When is violence deserved?

Cycles of violence demand justifications to keep going. What is the way out?

When I was 23, I biked across South East Asia with a small group of Mennonites. The “mission” was to connect with Mennonite communities there, but really, I wanted an adventure. When we arrived in Ho Chi Min City (formally Saigon) we shared our route with an American who had lived there for over 10 years. He advised us to not bike through parts of rural, Southern Vietnam. They were still very wounded from the war and did not like Americans. My assumption was that we would heed to that advice, but the leader of our group wanted to do the route he had planned. I protested, but eventually gave in.

As we biked further into the forewarned areas, teenage boys emerged from the bushes and threw rocks at us. The first town where we stopped a man broke into our room in the middle of the night, demanding our passports. The town that we stopped in the following night would not house us and demanded that we leave. To me it is unequivocal that what we did was disrespectful, full of hubris and consistent with the actions of white people of European descent, who think we have the right to go and be wherever we want.

I am so grateful that nothing terrible or violent happened to any of us. But sometimes I wonder if it had, would we have deserved it?

There is so much discourse right now about the merits of revolutionary violence and the merits of governmental responses to that violence; “the right to resist” and the “right to defend.” Personally, I find these questions distracting and unhelpful. The scale of structural violence perpetrated by Israel on to Palestinians, as well as their response to October 7 is too large for me to comprehend or justify. And, the scale of violence perpetrated by Hamas, which included killing and kidnapping children, is too large for me to comprehend or justify. When we start to make justifications, I fear it leads to the least savory aspects of humanity, polarizations and the continuation of cycles of violence.

When I was 23, the rocks that were thrown at me in Vietnam, were enough for me to get it. I heard the message “We aren’t ready for you here. We are still hurting. Please go away!” Had I continued to demand my right to be there, not taken in the context/history of the Vietnam war, violence may have escalated. This is just the way that polarizing dynamics work. If the polarizations grow and grow, the threats become existential. War and gross acts of violence are always the result of real, manufactured or perceived threats that reach an existential level of polarization.

What I am most interested in now is how to de-escalate polarities, without bypassing gross injustices for sentiments of peace and love. What does moral clarity look like when two oppressed groups are fighting? What about if one has so much more power than the other, in this moment? The pull towards polarization and justifications are so strong. I do not think I am going to solve the conflict in Palestine/Israel, but the conflict is spurring out in many directions and effecting us here. My interests lie in interpersonal and intrapersonal polarities in the smaller communities and lives to which I am connected.

It should not be hard and complicated to name what Israel is doing in Gaza. They have cut off food, water and fuel, allowed minimal humanitarian aid and have destroyed nearly half of the homes in Gaza. The people are trapped with no where to go, hospitals have been told by the Israeli government to evacuate, which would cause doctors and nurses to abandon premature babies on incubators. As of a few hours ago, Israel cut off all internet and phone connections. It’s insanity. It’s cruel. It’s unfathomable.

Hamas kidnapping and killing people, including the elderly, babies and children is insanity. It’s cruel and it’s unfathomable. It's factual that Israel has killed and imprisoned far more children than Hamas or any Palestinian fighters ever have. And it’s a fact that the power imbalance, in this moment, is massive. And at the same time, the ones giving commands, on both sides, have reached a level of sadism, dissociation and disconnection that are extreme.

They both have compelling reasons and narratives for their actions that touch into the marrow of two groups of people, one in current and one in recent history, that have nearly/are being been wiped off the face of the earth. The reasoning is important to listen to and understand, without providing justification. From all accounts of Gaza that I have heard, I can understand how people might be driven to insanity, based on their life conditions. From all the accounts that I have heard of Jewish history in Europe and of course the Holocaust, I can understand the fear and unresolved trauma that has led to the oppression and trauma re-enactments. Again, these are not justifications, they are understandings. Justifications create more violence, which create more trauma and cries to be heard, which leads to more rebellious, vengeful and defensive violence. The leaders are relying on us to enter into the same sadistic trap of justifications. What they do not want is for us to enter into places of understanding.

As a therapist and as a human, I seek to offer understanding for everyone I am in contact with right now. Not because I don’t think the situation in Gaza is dire. It’s beyond dire. I know that real change does not happen from shaming, pushing or evangelizing. Root level change happens from understanding, presence and hearing the full cries of whatever vulnerable parts are being protected by any stances or behaviors.

So, this is where I am right now. It’s ever shifting and ever changing, but I offer it up for the potential of understanding, even if you disagree:

Naming Israel’s or the United States’s crimes against humanity has never felt complicated for me before, but now I have a Jewish family and somehow, is does feel complicated. I am new here, seven years in to being more imbedded in the Jewish community and this is baffling me. Everything in my bones says “Free Palestine” when the sentiment is one of liberation for everyone, including Israelis who are suffering under a regime that is becoming more and more extreme. However, some shouting this phrase are targeting Jewish places of worship and Jewish owned stores; images that echo the Holocaust. Right wing, US governmental and even Russian infiltrators are surely inflaming these polarities from both sides, but I can’t and don’t know which acts are fabrications and which ones are real.

This does at times put me in a place of panic and existential threat. I know this is highly beneficial to anyone seeking authoritarian, fascist power. I know from the 2016 elections that outside forces want us to choose a side and demonize the other. Fanning the flames of tribalism in a multicultural country, like the United States, is a surefire way to weaken and destroy it. I know all this, but at the end of the day, I am a parent of a Jewish child and we attend a synagogue once a week. She is safe right now and I want it to stay that way. How could that not be my first and foremost concern? I know it is for every parent, everywhere.

Yesterday I was talking with a client about survival. When we have unresolved trauma in our bodies/are experiencing trauma, it is hard to be oriented towards anything but survival. I told her that if I was sinking on the Titanic, I don’t know who I would be. I would probably be running around like crazy, trying to survive. But, my deepest hope is that I would be the mother in the Titanic movie, that soothes and puts her kids to sleep, knowing that the ship is going down. I hope I would be the musicians that keep playing on the deck, until the very last moment. More and more, I feel like the United States is a sinking ship and I know that some with connections to Israel feel the same about their country.

Gabor Mate says that “safety is not the absence of threat, but the presence of connection.” The gift of my queerness and trans-ness is that it has forced me out of self-disconnection and dissociation. As I have moved towards connection I have chosen authenticity over what is safe . I’m leaning on that hard right now because my body is scared, so scared that sometimes I cling to a polarizing message for clarity, for security, for protection from my vulnerability.

Moving towards understanding, first for ourselves and then for others is not an inflated sentiment of “LOVE CONQUERS ALL!” It’s actually a move towards“Love doesn’t conquer, at all.” Love is present and it does not seek to justify. Justifications become irrelevant to a soul and a heart that has truly been heard.

I try to sink in more and more to that love. It is present as I cry and as I write and as I call my reps for a ceasefire, a release of hostages/prisoners and an end to the occupation. It’s present when I feel complicated about saying “Free Palestine” because I am a little bit selfish and a lot scared. It’s there when I say it anyways because it’s what feels right in this moment and I know what I mean when I say it. It is with me when I’m reaching for a pole for stability in these times. And, it is with you, whoever you are out there, who are scared like me and doing whatever you are doing in response to that fear. No one deserves anything less than an un-conquering, but very present love, in scary times.